The Book
by KyokoFujimiya
Summary: Kurz Weber discovers an.... INTERESTING book at Comiket. Chaos follows his purchase.


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**Author's note:**

**giggles This story was inspired by a discussion in the Ranger forums about a certain episode of Lucky Star. If you know the episode I'm talking about, be amused. If you don't know, you'll find out more at the end of the story. insert evil, maniacle laughter here.**

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"... why me...?"

Kurz Weber mumbled to himself as he wandered through the crowded convention. In an attempt to sneak away from a training exercise, he had asked out the first girl he saw that looked attractive, and, true to his gigolo reputation, she had accepted. His mistake, however, was agreeing to go wherever she wanted without asking first.

"Kurrrrrzzzzzzyyyyyyy!" The young woman waved to him in a crowd, beckoning him to join her. He took another look at her outfit: A barely there bikini top with a flame pattern, small shorts that make a Japanese girl's gym uniform look modest with a giant belt nearly covering them, and an overly large sniper rifle strapped to her back (fake, of course). He smiled to himself at the sight and decided that maybe these anime conventions aren't so bad after all. Just as he was about to head in her direction, he heard a young girl shriek and saw her run past him in a flash, face as red as a tomato. Intrigued as to what would have spooked her so, he looked in the direction the girl had run from and noticed a booth where a young woman was picking up a book off the ground. Kurz headed over and took a look at the reading materials. What he saw shocked and appalled him.

"Wha-who-how-_**WHA**_?!"

_'Who in their right minds would make something like this?!' _He thought. _'Scratch that. Who on earth had access to the classified information NECESSARY to make something like this?!_' He continued to stare mindlessly at the book for a moment until an evil plan began to hatch in his head, the ultimate blackmail scheme. His once shocked expression formed itself into an evil smirk.

"Excuse me; Miss, how much for the book?"

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Hours later, Kurz was rushing back to his room, convention bag in hand. Once the door was shut and the bolts locked, he rummaged through the bag until he found his prize. Pulling out the book, he gave it one last look before storing it until the opportune moment arises. He couldn't help but laugh as he viewed the front cover again.

"Oh! This is gonna be good!!"

Just then, the door to his room was blasted off its hinges, missing Kurz by mere centimeters before hitting the wall and crumbling to a heap of metal on the floor. Behind him, Melissa Mao was standing in the doorway, foot still in midair from the kick.

"**KURZ, YOU BASTARD!! YOU SKIPPED OUT ON THE TRAINING EXERCISE AGAIN!! I HAD TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY LISTENING TO CLOUSEAU LECTURING ME ABOUT** 'The values of proper leadership' **BECAUSE OF YOU!!**"

Hugging the book to his chest, Kurz gave Mao a nervous laugh and scratched the back of his head, "Whoops…. Sorry, babe. Guess I forgot."

Mao grabbed his ear and started pulling him out of the room, "Like hell you forgot!! You're coming with me RIGHT NOW and you're gonna get the training of your life-"

As she pulled Kurz to his feet, he had dropped the book. Mao took a look at the front cover and then turned back to Kurz, whose face had taken on a nice shade of white.

"_**WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!**_"

* * *

Teletha Testarossa hummed to herself as she wandered the submarine, making her midnight rounds. In a couple of weeks, the DeDanaan would be making a temporary stop near Japan for supplies and assessment, and she was excited for the excuse to give her favorite sergeant a surprise visit. As she made her way through the dorm quarters, she couldn't help but overhear the shouting match going on.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!"

"GIVE IT BACK; IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!!"

"LIKE **_HELL_** IT'S NONE OF MY BUISNESS!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HE'D DO IF HE SAW THIS?! HE'D HAVE A FRICKIN HEART ATTACK ON THE SPOT!!"

"Sergeant Weber!! Sergeant Major Mao!!"

Both soldiers froze where they stood, slowly looking towards the direction of the young Captain.

"What is the meaning of this? It's the middle of the night! People are trying to get some sleep. Think of the other residents before you start shouting at each other like tha-"

Tessa's eyes had wandered to the book in Melissa's hand. Her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates and her face started changing to a nice shade of red. Both soldiers noticed and their faces gave a clear expression of "oh, shit."

"WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT!?"

After giving the two soldiers a nice, long lecture about having this kind of material around, Tessa had confiscated the book and headed to her quarters. She wanted to dispose of the immoral piece right away, but the knowledge that someone had gotten access to classified information and used it to publish such material (even if the material wasn't exactly accurate) was a great concern, and they would need to find out more about the person and how they had gotten the information. Tessa placed the book on the corner of her desk and began some paperwork that needed to get done by next week. However, she found herself looking back to the material, her face flushing and her mind lost in thought, before realizing what she was doing and hurrying back to her work. An hour later, she was on the same piece of paper she started with, and could not bring herself to concentrate.

"...oh... Just a little peak won't hurt anyone..."

Tessa picked the book off her desk and started flipping through the pages. As she continued to read, her face began to go from a slight flush to tomato red. The contents of the book were getting more and more intense as the story went on, and she gulped as she was about to flip to the page where the truly forbidden part was.

"Captain! You didn't finish your rounds tonight and-"

Commander Richard Mardukas had rushed into the room unannounced, giving Tessa no time to prepare and thus he caught her in the act of reading what had to be one of the most appalling things he'd ever seen.

"M_**-MADAM CAPTAIN!!**_"

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After spending an hour and a half giving Tessa a lecture on how her actions were something a lady should never do, let alone a captain in charge of one of the most prestigious submarine fleets in the world, Mardukas began to head to the incinerator room, book in hand. Lost in thought, he nearly ran into Lieutenant Commander Audrei Kalinin.

"Careful there, Mardukas." Kalinin said as he made sure the Lieutenant Commander was unharmed. Eyeing the book in Marduka's hand, he raised an eyebrow, "Care to explain what that is?"

Mardukas looked at the book in his hand, sighed, and rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration, "I found this in the Captain's office. Apparently, Sergeant Weber had found it while he was out and had brought it on board. I'm on my way to dispose of it."

"Mind if I take care of it?" Kalinin asked, "I'd like to find out the person who made it and... _persuade _them to cease making anymore in the future." Eager to get the offending material off his person as soon as possible, Mardukas gladly handed it off to Kalinin and went on his way while Kalinin headed towards the helicopter waiting for him.

Shortly afterwards, Kalinin arrived at Sosuke Sagara's apartment. He had some skemantics for the sergeant to look over and write a report, and had called the boy to let him know he'd be dropping them off at his apartment. He placed the papers by the boy's work area and headed out the door, however, unbeknownst to the Lieutenant Commander, the offending book had fallen out of his bag as he exited.

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Sergeant Sosuke Sagara had just dropped Kaname Chidori off at her apartment and began heading to his own, thinking about how nice his day had been. Not only had there not been any threats to Chidori's person (a rare event, indeed.) But he had also managed to avoid angering the girl he was sent to protect. This was truly a good day, indeed, and the boy walked with an air of confidence and almost happiness at the rare, peaceful day.

As he went to unlock his apartment door, he noticed it had been opened recently. He remembered Kalinin calling him to let him know that he would be dropping off some paperwork, so the boy, not actually sensing anyone in the apartment, assumed that was the cause and opened the door. As he looked down to take his shoes off, however, he noticed an interesting book in the doorway.

The front cover held a picture of Sosuke and Gauron. Half naked. Covered in chains. And Gauron was embracing Sosuke from behind.

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"Ah! Today was great!" Kaname Chidori shouted happily to no one in particular as she jumped onto her couch. "Not only did I get an A on that test, but Sergeant Dumbass managed to go through a whole day without blowing something up!!"

As if to prove her wrong, a massive BOOM shook the apartment, causing Kaname to jump three feet in the air. She ran to the balcony and looked over to the building that the boy resided in. Sure enough, the smoke was coming from his room. There were a few flashes, and Kaname could have sworn she heard some gunshots as well.

"**THAT **_**IDIOT**_**!!**" Kaname shouted as she ran over to his apartment. She knew it was probably not the smartest idea, but she was secretly worried that he could be hurt or worse. And if he had blown up his apartment again for some stupid reason, she was gonna give him the beating of a lifetime. As she ran into his room, she found the sergeant shaky and pale, still pointing his gun at the hole in the wall that was once the door.

"...Sosuke?"

Sosuke snapped out of his trance at hearing Chidori's voice. Quickly regaining his composure, he calmly replied, "It's nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing'?! You just blew a hole in your door!!"

"Not a problem. Immediate action was necessary regarding the circumstances, and now the situation has been resolved."

Kaname's eye twitched. "And what 'circumstances' required you to blow up your own house?"

"...that is classified."

"_**SOSUKE!!**_"

"However," Sosuke quickly changed the subject, "It seems I will not be able to stay here for the time being. But if I stay at a hotel it would make my mission of guarding you more difficult. If it's all right with you, Miss Chidori, may I stay at your place tonight?"

Taken aback from the abrupt statement, Kaname took a couple steps back as her face flushed. She then remembered who she was talking to. "All right, you can sleep on the couch."

A relieved smile graced Sosuke's face, "Thank you, Miss Chidori-" As he stepped forward; however, Kaname pulled out her paper fan and pointed it at his face. She gave him a death glare with her next words, "But no funny business, understand!"

"Of course." Sosuke answers, gulping. As they headed to her apartment, he looked back to the hole in the wall that was once his door. Sighing and running a hand through his hair, he mumbled, "I'll have to call the contractor and a medium tomorrow..."

Kaname's eyebrow rose at the random statement, "Why a medium?"

The dark look in Sosuke's eyes would have caused the most hardcore soldier to piss his pants, "To purify the place."


End file.
